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WTF...again

So...yesterday, I spent the day living in the moment; and by that I mean I spent the day saying WTF am I doing in this place.  

So...yesterday, I sbpent the day living in the moment; and by that I mean I spent the day saying WTF am I doing in this place.  I can pick out patterns, and see matching boards anywhere in this unit.  There's fewer "Generations" patients and more geriatric patients than when I arrived.

I have a headache.

Therapist told HisMajesty that I may be able to leave this weekend or Monday at the latest.  I have mixed feelings.  This place has been like a vacation.  I don't worry about anything cuz there's nothing I can do about anything.  Dr.C's project is with another designer to be finalized and ready for marketing.  The business cards are at the barber shop.  The kids are getting ready for their cruise. All things I felt crushed by, but are now completely out of my control.

This place is freeing.  Three meals a day.  Daily therapy all day long.  Special attention from therapist and two doctors. Exercise if I want it. And quite a few books....even NARNIA.  

What is most unsettling, though, is that I am surrounded by people 20+ years older than me...and while 20 years used to be a long time, now it feels like tomorrow.  That's scary.  I so don't wanna be in this place with people talking to me like I'm crazy and lying to me about getting out.  Desperately clutching a teddy bear, sitting in pee, and drooling.

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So...a bout a week ago, I pulled the car into the garage...and closed the garage door...and decided not to turn off the car.

Well...I did turn it off after two or three minutes, but still...you get the picture.

Anyhoo...my therapist had a cancellation and squeezed me in last Wednesday.  I told her about my lapse in judgement. Her exact words..."I'm five minutes from calling an ambulance."  We talked about my issues for a few more minutes, and at her strong recommendation I went to the local behavioral health facility...and told the truth, the whole truth, and nothin' but the truth.

Cue the proverbial straight jacket.

So...guess where I am!  Guess...guess!

I signed myself in cuz, frankly, I kinda scared myself. I don't often play Russian Roulette with carbon monoxide.  It was stupid.  

So this thing in my head that's trying to kill me doesn't go away.  It's been there at least 45 years and I'm gonna hafta accept it's not going anywhere and it's not gonna shut up.  

Now what?

Well, it's angry and I actually know why.  It's the part of me that has protected me for most of my life...but I've effectively shut her down.  I'm ignoring the part of me that wonders why I'm still in an irrational relationship. It's the part of me that wonders why everything I do is filtered through his comfort.  It's the part that is disgusted that I love him to my own detriment.  It's the part that can't believe I let myself hurt so much.

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